NHL SEASON PREVIEW 2022-2023

The NHL season is officially here and I cannot be more excited. Will the AVS repeat? Who will score the most goals? Can the Leafs get out of the first round? I will answer all of these and more below. Hot takes for every team and division winner predictions.

ATLANTIC DIVISION

Toronto Maple Leafs: Big take here, the leafs will win a playoff round for the first time since 2004. Auston Matthews scores 52 goals, but their goalies let them down and still no cup. Bieber comes to a game and streaks across the ice while his wife Stephen Baldwin looks on in disbelief.

Montreal Canadiens: Cole Caufield scores 27 goals, they claw and fight all year long but ultimately still miss the playoffs but they will be fun to watch. Needing a spark letter in the year Marty St. Louis suits up and scores a hat trick against the Maple Leafs.

Florida Panthers: This team falls off big time. They fail to get 100 pts this season and barely make the playoffs. Matthew the pigeon fails to crack 80pts and its a total let down of a season for the panthers. Bob the goalie fails to win 20 games and rats are throw at him on the bench.

Buffalo Sabres: There is hope for sabres fans. Once again they start hot but fizzle out and miss the playoffs but are much more competitive. Owen Power proves to be a solid rookie and Dahlin scores 60 plus points. Patrick Kane gets traded to them at the trade deadline……JUST KIDDING.

Detroit Red Wings: FUCK THE WINGS!!!! Coming from an AVS fan I’m happy to say they will miss the playoffs once again. They will be much improved with newsy as their coach but too many lackluster games and another year no playoffs. Moritz Seider gets confused for a fall midwestern hard crisp pear cider.

Ottawa Senators: A team on the rise and I think debrin the cat scores 40 plus goals this year. The team gels and fights their way to a wild card spot. The captain wins sexy man in Canada….just joking that little troll needs to wear a bag on his head.

Boston Bruins: Sadly the injuries to start the year doom the Bruins and they miss the playoffs. The core is old and this was the last kick of the can. It’s rebuild mode in beantown. Marchand licks two people, bites a ref, and flops so hard he makes Lebrun James look tough.

Tampa Lightning: Can the lightning make it to 4 Stanley cup finals in a row? Yes. Will they? NO, still a great year and solidly in the playoffs but no cup. Maroon wins an award for slowest NHL player.

ATLANTIC DIVISION WINNER: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS

METROPOLITAN DIVISION

New York Rangers: Slight regression from last year as everyone falls off a little bit across the board. Kreider fails to break 40 goals, Sean Avery tries a comeback with the team but realizes his lungs are shot from years of smoking little cigs. He risk lundquist is introduced during a TNT broadcast and biz jizzes all over his face.

Washington Capitals: This team is aging and even though Kuemper won a cup last year, he is not elite and fails to steal games. Ovie scores 42 goals and passes Howe for 2nd on the all time goal list. They fail to make the playoffs and the politicians in DC blame Putin.

New York Islanders: Damn this team is boring to watch. No player on the team scores more than 80pts. They do however make the playoffs as a wild card and win a first round series. Barry Trotz gets confused with Humpty Dumpty.

New Jersey Devils: Jack Hughes will not get 100pts this year as he has proven zilch. He needs to add some muscle to his frame. They miss the playoffs once again and liberals call for them to change their mascot because its racist.

Pittsburgh Penguins: The band is back together again….but the band is old as fuck. Committing that much money and term to Malkin and Letang is going to come back and bite them. They wont win the cup this year or for the next few years. Crosby still gets a point per game though.

Philadelphia Flyers: Torts is going to make this a tough ass team to pay against. They still suck, but they will be better than last year. Carta Hawt bounces back and wins 27 games but no playoffs for them. Post game news conferences are a hit though.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Johnny hockey wishes he stayed in canada. Laine doesn’t put in any effort and Godro fails to crack 80pts and the season is a total wash. This team is just very boring to watch.

Carolina Hurricanes: Some nice moves in the off-season I think make this team stronger. If the goalies can stay healthy they should go on a run in the playoffs and the fan base is crazy in a good way.

DIVISION WINNER: CAROLINA HURRICANES

CENTRAL DIVISION

Nashville Predators: Some nice upgrades for the Preds and they have a world class goalie and comfortably make the playoffs. The downtown is a great vibe to go watch a game. Only downside is downtown Nashville smells like a port a potty.

Colorado Avalanche: Your 2022 Stanley Cup champs are back and ready to defend. There will be some hiccups the first half of the season as they work in the bottom six and search for a reliable number 2 center option. They lose games in the first half that they shouldn’t but bounce back and stay strong for the postseason. Jared Bednar poses for play girl magazine. They repeat as cup champs and win on home ice and Denver runs out of alcohol again.

Dallas Stars: What a clusterfuck in Dallas. Ownership doesn’t like seguin or Benn even though they signed them to those contracts. The whole team underperforms and Robertson’s play dips off after his big deal. They miss the playoffs but at least they have good for at the arena.

Minnesota Wild: Big year for the wild as I think they under achieved a bit last year. We will see if Krill shrimp can take another step forward and fleury can stay healthy all year long. This is a fun team to watch and i don’t know how they will do.

Arizona Coyotes: This team is an embarrassment to pro sports but also I don’t know how the NHL and Gary Bettman can allow this team to play their home games at a college arena with no end in sight. If the arena held upwards of at least 12,000 people maybe but 7,000 seats for the best hockey league in the world???? Such a joke and it doesn’t help that the team blows goats. It is going to be a long year in the desert.

Winnipeg Jets: We will see if the dumpster fire of a locker room gets fixed or not. There is a lot of talent on the roster, but it truly is the great white north and it is hard to attract talent in Winnipeg.

St. Louis Blues: This team is primed and loaded for a deep run. They have skill up front, solid D and a great goalie. If they can stay healthy they have a great shot at another Cup.

Chicago Blackhawks: Hard times have fallen on the Hawks. This team is a far cry from their glory days of 2008-2017. Will Kane and Toews be traded? How many wins will they have? At least they have one of the best jerseys in all of pro sports.

DIVISION WINNER: Nashville Predators

PACIFIC DIVISION

Edmonton Oilers: Should be lots of hope in Oiler nation. They upgraded their goalie situation, D is decent and they still have Leon and Connor. Will they make the cup final? I do think the Drysdale and Mcjesus each score 120plus pts this year and Kane hits 40 goals.

Vegas Golden Knights: I don’t hate the guy, but I do think Jack Eichel is very overrated. We will see how he does coming into the year healthy. I do think Phil the hot dog eater has a better year but he wont crack 30 goals. They will be fun to watch but the injury to Lehner hurts a lot.

Anaheim Ducks: Another building year for the young guys. This team is still a couple of years away from competing but with Zeegrass and mactavish this is a fun team to watch. Over/Under how may sunset pics zeegrass sahres to social media this year.

Seattle Kraken: All they can rest on is that they have a lot of draft picks. Unless the young rookies have huge years, they wont sniff the playoffs. They already blew game 1 to the ducks. It is also rough when your fans are nicknamed the Krak Heads. It is also true since Seattle has a drug problem.

Calgary Flames: I think this team is going to better than last year. At first they might struggle as they figure out lines, but come playoff time they will be rolling.

Los Angeles Kings: This team snuck into the playoffs and I think they do it again this year. I love Quick and I hope he can stay healthy because when he is on he is unreal.

Vancouver Canucks: We will see what a full year of Bruce Boudreau gets the Nucks, but if Petterson can’t find his game, its going to be a long year. The positive is that the vax mandate is lifted so I might actually get to catch a game in canada again.

San Jose Sharks: Poor Mike Grier this team is a mess on the ice, the room and in cap hell. They wont win many games and there isn’t a quick solution as to how to fix this team fast.

DIVISION WINNER: Edmonton Oilers